They say car salesmen are the devil. That may be true, but even they don’t deserve the horrible things that Mr. Leonard Kravitz endured the day he tried selling a car to a nameless man (we’ll call him Jim).

The sun seemed to have not risen that Tuesday as a seemingly endless tapestry of dark clouds had taken the sky hostage; threatening rain, but not delivering. It might have been an omen, but if it was, Leonard didn’t notice. Leonard Kravitz was a happily married used-car salesman who might have been the poster boy for said group of businessmen. He had greasy hair and wore a smile that seemed put-on. The smile seemed to say, “You better be here to raise my commission.” He was a horrible man, but an amazing car salesman: the man could sell a Hummer to Moby with his manipulative mouth.

But so far on this day, Lenny (as his few friends affectionately called him… get it?) had not sold a single car or gotten so much as a fleeting glance of interest from anyone who had walked through the lot. He paced back and forth through the conference room, desperately hoping that somebody would walk into the building and ask for a car.

It was after all this hoping that the cruel laugh of an angry God answered.

The bell above the door chimed, signaling the entrance of possible bait. Lenny spun around and stared into the main room. There stood a bleach-blond man about two inches taller than average height. He wore a brown leather jacket and stained hole-covered blue jeans. On his feet were a pair of hiking boots and he wore leather gloves over his large hands. Let’s call him Jim.

Lenny rushed out from the conference room and met the man head-on. “Hello, how may I help you today,” he asked with his smile plastered on his face.

Jim looked down (as little as he had to) and smiled. “I’d like to buy a car and this seems like the place.”

Inside Leonard’s mind, the “in-the-bag” bells and whistles were ringing and sounding off with glee. Leonard closed his eyes for a second and thanked whoever was watching out for him for this man, who was going to be easy.

“First thing’s first. My name is Leonard Kravitz—“

Lenny was interrupted when Jim burst into laughter. “You mean—you mean—like the dude? Lenny Kravitz? That’s funny stuff, man!” He continued laughing even after he noticed the look of discontent on the car salesman’s face.
“Um, yes. It’s quite the name, I know. So, what exactly can you afford? Describe your price range to me.” He put the smile back on his face and waited for the man to answer so he could get the sale over with as soon as possible.

Soon enough, Lenny had taken the information and shown the man to an inventory of thrice-used BMWs that would be great for him. Jim seemed interested as he searched through the cars for any flaws; tears in the leather upholstery, cracks in the dashboard, etc.

Then one of the most twisted and horrific series of events in the history of Washington was set into motion. “Can I interest you in a test drive?”

Jim slowly lifted his head out of the car and turned to stare into Leonard’s eyes. There was a sick smile slapped on his face and his eyes suggested disgusting glee. “Why, that would be terrific.”



The test drive had been going pleasantly well. Jim had gone perfectly along the pre-planned route for test drives without any attempted breaking from the beaten path. But soon enough, the test was going to start bordering on lasting too long, and Leonard would be forced by company policy to ask the man to take them back to Westin Used Motors.

“So what do you think of the ride,” asked Leonard from the passenger’s seat.

But Jim didn’t answer. He leaned forward in his seat and continued staring intently at the road. The twisted smile on his face had yet to leave once since the start of the test drive and Leonard was growing horrified of the look. He wouldn’t say anything out loud, but the look reminded Lenny of every psychopath he had ever seen in a movie up until that point.

“Hey, buddy, I asked, what do you think of the ride?”

Jim didn’t answer. He stared at the road. Leonard was becoming increasingly terrified with every second of silence that passed between them. Then he decided that he’d had enough with this test drive.

“All right, um, take this right turn here and drive us back to the building and we can bring up the paperwork if you’d like.” Lenny stared at the driving man with a tortured horror in his eyes, desperately hoping that the man didn’t want the car and would leave Westin Used Motors behind as he drove to some other car dealership and bothered some other salesman.

The turn approached on the right and Lenny stared at it longingly, wishing he was back at that exact moment. But Jim didn’t turn on the turning signal. He kept staring intently on the road ahead of him as he increased the car’s speed.

Leonard watched from the passenger’s seat in horror as the turn approached closer and closer, to the point where he could see the large sign reading “WESTIN USED MOTORS: Cheap, Used Automobiles” down the street. And then his blood ran cold when they passed the turn and kept driving. Lenny turned from the window and looked down at his feet as we wondered how this drive would end.

After a minute (the longest minute in Leonard’s life) of silence he turned to the dangerous driver and said in the softest voice he could muster, “Um, you missed the turn back there.”

Jim’s smile grew larger as he said the first thing he had said in the last ten minutes. “I know. It’s all right. We aren’t going back there.”

Leonard stared at the man in stunned silence. “Did he just say what I think he said, “Lenny asked himself inside his head.

Jim spoke up again, this time his voice louder and angrier than it had been previously. “I’m taking this bad-boy and you’re coming with me. We’re never going back there and I’m pretty sure you’re not making it out of this car alive without me dying first.”

Leonard’s heart skipped a beat as his jaw dropped to the floor of the car and his eyes grew wide as saucers. He was sure he was dreaming. This was some sort of twisted nightmare that he would wake up from before falling back asleep next to his beautiful wife who might even let him enjoy himself for a minute first. The man closed his eyes and urged himself to wake up. He pushed his mind to the straining point attempting to wake up from this dream, but it wouldn’t happen. Lenny opened his eyes and found that he was still sitting in the passenger’s seat next to an insane man who was intent on murdering him.

Jim broke into laughter, causing Leonard to jump a few inches out of his seat. The laughter was loud and genuine; something had obviously made the man happy and Lenny was afraid to ask what it was.

But he didn’t have to ask before Jim spoke up. “Oh Jesus! Your name is Lenny Kravitz for God’s sake! The headline’s going to read ‘CAR SALESMAN FOUND KILLED IN STREET’ and the first thing people are going to say is, ‘Since when is Lenny Kravitz a car salesman?’” He burst into laughter again, nearly crying this time around with pure joyous ecstasy.

Lenny sank into his seat as tears began running down either side of his face. Trying to cope with the fact that he was going to die, he thought about what he could possibly do. That’s when a sudden blast of realization struck him. Reaching silently into his pocket, he took his cell phone in hand (never pulling it out of the pocket, thank God he hadn’t gotten a flip-open phone) and punched in three numbers.



Alexandria Palmer was about to leave her post as 9-1-1 operator. It had been a long day and she had not gotten the sleep the night before to prepare for it. Among the calls she received today were a) a disgruntled housewife upset because she was assured that her husband was cheating on her, b) a soccer mom with a van full of kids calling to report a Burger King employee not giving her the right order, and c) a senile old-timer assured that his son was holding him hostage (upon investigating the call, officers discovered that the man was an Alzheimer’s patient whose son had died years before).

She picked up her briefcase and prepared to throw on her coat before leaving. That’s when her phone began ringing. Alex sighed and sat back down in her swivel chair before leaning over to put on her headset. She answered the phone and made her opening statement: “Hello, 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

There was no direct reply from the other end. “Please state your emergency.”

Then she heard it. The sound was muffled, but she could still make out everything that an unidentified man said from the other end.

She listened closely and was thankful that most of her associates were taking calls elsewhere in the building. The man was almost screaming when he talked to another unidentified man who she assumed had been the one making the call. “… and I’m gonna kill you! Hell, if I knew your name, I would have killed you just to read the headlines!”

She instantly started a search on the cell phone’s signal and called her major. “Sir, we have a kidnapping in process…”



Jim continued on his rant while Lenny leaned to the left with his phone in hand in pocket, desperately hoping the cops could hear his insane ramblings. He wanted to be saved. No, scratch that. He needed to be saved.

Jim turned to Lenny and started laughing. “Hey! Did you ever think you’d be on the headline of a newspaper? I bet you didn’t, did you?”

Leonard’s finally snapped and he started balling profusely. He cried as he thought about his beautiful wife he’d never see. He cried as he thought about the baby growing inside of his wife he’d never get to see or watch grow up. He cried as he thought about the life he was going to miss out on entirely.

“Oh come on,” Jim said, obviously upset that Leonard wasn’t as happy as he was. “I’m making you first page news! I mean, Westin ain’t exactly a quiet town or anything, but it sure isn’t a story-a-day place either! I mean come on! Did you read about those two fellows killed behind the bar last week? That’s not really big news, deaths happen all the time! But yours is going to be dramatic because you were kidnapped from an area where you’re supposed to be safe!”

Lenny turned and looked at Jim, only to find him intently focused on the road. He took the chance to quickly pull the phone out of his pocket (keeping it concealed within his palm) and placing it in his left pocket where the insane driver’s ranting may be more audible.

“I mean, a car dealership isn’t exactly a safe haven by any mean,” continued Jim. “But it sure isn’t a dark alley in the back side of town either! It’s a genuinely public place and a genuinely normal thing to do. Test drives! They happen all the time! I mean, why hasn’t there been a movie or nothin’ made about the subject yet? I mean it’s not a brain-buster! You got a man driving another man around with his permission, why wouldn’t one come alone and kidnap the salesman? I mean, it would make for quite an intense book or something in my opinion! Of course, I wouldn’t read if it were too long, like if it were by that Stevie King fellow. He would probably add in some mystical tie-in to other stories of his. Like imagine the kidnapper being Kathy Bates! That would make an interesting movie, I tell you what!”

Lenny’s eyes opened even wider with each and every word the insane man said. He knew he was going to die. If he didn’t get his ear talked off first.



A police car marked number 27 sat parked behind a sign in the middle of the highway leading through Westin. He sat there with his coffee in hand staring at the road ahead of him, waiting for something to happen so that he wouldn’t have to be so bored anymore. He closed his eyes and began thinking of his beauty of a deputy. She was sick that day, and he had decided to take the responsibility of highway patrol by himself that day. He imagined her sitting at her desk filing paperwork as he walked up behind her. He reached around her face and put his hands over her eyes. He was about to whisper something romantic and naughty into her ear when his soon-to-be erotic fantasy was rudely interrupted.

“Car 27, this is Westin.”

The voice over the radio was sudden and caused officer Argus to drop his coffee into the empty passenger’s seat next to him. He swore under his breath before unclipping the CB handle and pulling it up to his mouth.

“27 to Westin, come back?”

The voice took a second before it started up again. “27, watch the road for a car leaving town carrying a driver and a passenger passing you in about thirty seconds. Pull over and handle with force. Possible kidnapping in progress.”

Argus didn’t take the time to reply before he sat up in his chair and started the car, watching for a two-person occupied car coming his way. He watched as a BMW Coupe began driving his way. He threw the car in gear and waited for the BMW in question to pass him. It sped past him before he hit the gas and drove into the middle of the not-so-busy road.

Argus smiled and whispered to the driver he was chasing down, “Get ready for Argus!”



“—they’ll make a TV movie about this! Sure, they won’t know what was said in the car, but they’ll probably make me out to be a tough, crazy type! Oh! You think I’ll get played by Jake Busey?”

Lenny looked up at him and replied in a meek state of shock, “Um, sure… whatever…”

Jim let out a laugh before he looked into the rear-view mirror. The smile soon left his face as he realized that they were being followed.

“Ah damn. Cops.”

Leonard’s heart soared within his chest as he realized that rescue was truly coming to save him. He thought about his triumphant return to his family. How he would be a hero. And he even thought about a possible TV movie with Jeremy Sisto playing himself.

But Jim spoke up before these hopes could ever fully form in his mind. “Dammit! I can’t let you out of this alive, you’ll make me into a Robert Carradine part.”

And with that final statement, he pulled a large-barreled revolver out from under his coat and spread Lenny’s brains out against the passenger side window.



“Aw sunuva!” Argus watched as the passenger’s head seemingly exploded inside the car before he went into commando-cop mode. He accelerated to the highest speed the car could muster before pulling alongside the BMW and ramming into the side.

The car swerved along the side of the road before hitting an unfinished patch of road and flipping over into a nearby ravine.



The car was totaled. The windows were all shattered and the wheels were slowly stopping their incessant spinning. In the driver’s seat, their sat a now-upside down man with a revolver still glued to his hand. On the roof (now on the ground), there laid the decapitated corpse of a car salesman.

Jim slowly opened his eyes before unbuckling himself from the driver’s seat and falling to the roof of the car below.



Officer Argus pulled over on the side of the road and got out of the car, gun in hand. He slowly began walking over the patch of unfinished road where the car had flipped and gone over into a ravine. All that he could see at first was smoke. He began climbing down into the ditch before a strong hand grabbed him by the back of his collar and lifted him out before throwing him back onto the side of the road.

Officer Argus lifted his gun out in front of his face and pointed it at nothing in particular, his eyes still watering from the large amounts of smoke billowing out from the ditch on the side of the road. Pulling his legs into his chest, he prepared to launch himself back onto his feet, but in doing so, he left his face perfectly open. A booted foot came slamming down into his face. The crack of Argus’s nose breaking was so loud, it could have been heard by Lenny back in the car, if he had been alive to hear it.

Argus screamed in pain before launching onto his feet and firing his gun aimlessly into his enveloping darkness. It only took two shots before he heard the sound of somebody grunting in pain. He continued firing in that direction until the smoke finally cleared. The last thing he heard was a seemingly-deafening honking.



Greg Darkov was a lowly truck driver for Samuel Adams beer. He had been making a delivery to Westin when he was dumped by his mistress of two years, Laverne. He had been crying for three hours before he finally got back in his rig and began driving out west, deciding to make it back home and devote all of his available time to his wife. While he may not have found her as attractive at Laverne, he still loved her to no end. “Planet of Sound” was roaring in his ears as he drove down the highway to his next delivery stop (most likely Churchill) when he opened his eyes and saw billows of smoke coming from the side of the road ahead of him. There was a cop car parked on the side of the road and he thought he may understand what had happened.

But his thoughts were quickly interrupted when two men came stumbling into his path. One was shooting at the other and they were both walking in front of him. He slammed his foot down on the brake and pulled his horn cord down as hard as he could, but it was no use. Greg could even hear the slamming and splattering noises from the front of his rig above the noise of Black Francis shrieking about who-knew-what.